From the Bottom
by creepweirdoloser
Summary: He had been the sun for Roy. And as his sun had diminished… there was nothing left of Roy. RoyEd


A/N: This idea has been on my mind for a long time. And now I finally wrote it.  
>I know, it's really angsty and has - <em>warning<em>- suicidal thoughts but… just read 'til the end. (And yes, I still suck with making up titles...)

From the bottom

The hospital walls were as white as always, Roy noticed when he opened his eyes. Nothing had changed. Nothing ever changed. His life was nothing but that small circle and Roy was just walking in that circle, hoping to get out of it, out of everything, and always failing. He would never success, would he…?

He was doomed to pay for his sins by living that life. Life which he didn't want to live. He wanted to die, that's _all_ he was asking for. Would his wish be fulfilled? No, of course not.

If he could just go back in time… he would do everything right. He _would_ save Maes, and Ed and _every _single person who had died because of him. Because he couldn't have saved them. He had failed. He was nothing but a failure. But he couldn't, it was impossible. He couldn't because those were his sins. He _had _to feel all that pain. He deserved nothing better.

It was obvious that Ed would be taken away from him. Ed had made Roy happy – perhaps for the first time in his life. He had been so happy… finally nothing had been missing. Ed had made everything so easy, making Roy remember how to laugh and smile and just enjoy life and being alive. He had been the sun for Roy. And as his sun had diminished… there was nothing left of Roy.

Why had he thought that it could be something permanent? Happiness – that was something which just wasn't allowed for Roy. But Ed had made him forget about everything that was shitty in his life. He _had_. But there was no Ed anymore. And Roy had nothing to live for.

Riza came to visit him. She sat on the chair next to the bed and looked tired. She said nothing and neither did Roy. Roy was guessing that she was too tired to even try. She couldn't save Roy, no one could.  
>Roy was relieved as she left. He wanted to be alone. He didn't want anyone to come close to him; he'd only end up losing anyone important… He just couldn't save anyone from himself, no matter how hard he tried and tried… it was no use because he was cursed. The curse whispered to Roy that he would be forever alone.<p>

Roy had decided to do it. For real that time. No hesitation. He wouldn't be a fucking coward anymore. He would kill himself as soon as he would get out of the hospital. He would use his gloves… he _would_ die. He had got to do it. So many times he had tried… always failing because he was afraid. Or because he just simply counted something wrong, he didn't take enough pills, someone rescued him from bleeding dry… There was always something but…

This time… he wouldn't fail. He was sure of it. He would make sure, he would success.

In the night Roy couldn't sleep. Which didn't really matter. He didn't need sleep anymore. Or food or water. He didn't need anything. Because soon he wouldn't be in this world anymore. And the world would be perfectly fine without him. Everything would move on even if he disappeared. Everyone would move on soon enough. They already knew that he was too weak to go on so it wouldn't be surprising to know that he had finally done it.

"You fucking idiot."  
>Roy opened his eyes he had closed, sighing. Why was Ed once again talking in his head? Why couldn't he just leave him alone…? But it didn't matter. Because – if he was lucky enough – he would soon be with Ed again. Somehow he had a feeling it wouldn't happen. But that was the only thing he hoped for. He had nothing worth living for, but at least he had something worth dying for.<p>

"I'm right here. Or have you gone blind? Some go when they get old…"  
>Roy knit his eyebrows together. Usually Ed <em>did not <em>say stuff like that, something he would really say… Sounding exactly like him… As if he was standing next to Roy. Roy moved his head, being afraid to see that there was no one. But there was. Right next to him, Ed was standing there, grinning a bit. As if he had never left Roy's side.

"Ed…? Are you… real," Roy asked, his voice breaking. He couldn't be real. Roy had just finally lost his mind, that's it… But if losing his mind meant that he could be with Ed again, he didn't mind being crazy.  
>"If by that you're asking whether I'm alive or not… then no. I'm still dead."<br>Roy smiled unhappily. Of course Ed was dead. There were no miracles for Roy. Ed _would be_ dead.  
>"I gotta be quick; I don't think I have much time… I know you're going to kill yourself. I came back to tell you that if you do that... I'll fucking kill you again!"<p>

Roy laughed. That sounded _exactly_ like Ed. If that was a dream, Roy never wanted to wake up… But he knew well enough that the morning would come, he would be alone, with all of his mistakes. As always. Roy missed Ed _so fucking much_. It hurt to imagine that he was there, right there, next to Roy, being all… Ed.

"So… I should just suffer, that's what you wanna say? I can't go on. I _can't_ do anything anymore. I can't be without you…"  
>Ed smiled sadly and Roy closed his eyes as he felt Ed's hand stroking his hair gently. Truly, it was the best dream Roy had had since Ed's death… It all felt so unbelievably real.<br>"Look, I miss you too. Heaven's nothing but Hell without you… Shit, that was damn corny, wasn't it? Anyways... your time is not yet. You have still a lot of things to do, people to save… I promise, it gets better. And when your time is up, we'll be together, for good."

People to save? That couldn't be true. More people who would get killed because of Roy? That sounded more like it. "No… I just can't…"  
>Roy grabbed Ed's hand and<em>, oh god it felt so real<em>, he brought Ed closer, burying his face into Ed's hair, breathing in the familiar scent. That was his only salvation, holding Ed. If only it could last forever…

"You have to. If you kill yourself, I can't guarantee that we can be together. Don't do it… Please, Roy."  
>Roy bit his lip. What if it <em>was<em> real? What if Ed really was there, what if he had came back to tell that to Roy? What if the things he said were true?  
>"How can I know that this is real?"<p>

"You just have to trust me. Do you?"  
>Roy couldn't do nothing but nod. Of course he trusted Ed. There was no need to even doubt about that.<br>"Good… cause I'm not the only one who's gonna kick your ass if you kill yourself. Maes will do that too, you know."  
>It was almost impossible to utter words but Roy was able to do it: "<em>Maes<em>… is he there too?"  
>"Yeah. He is. And my mom too… She really wants to meet you."<p>

And then Roy knew it was real. He just knew it. He trusted Ed. Suddenly he felt stronger for the first time since he had lost Ed.  
>"I gotta go now… Remember, you're not gonna make it if you don't wait. You'll know when the time's up… and then we'll meet again."<br>Roy nodded, his heart screaming not to let Ed go but he knew he had to. Ed stood up straight.  
>"And… if you want to be with someone else, I'm totally fine with it. As long as you make sure that you're taken in the afterlife."<br>Ed grinned and Roy smiled a bit. "Sure… though I can guarantee that you're going to be the only one I ever want."  
>Ed touched Roy's hair. "Same here."<p>

Roy felt completely relaxed as Ed gently shut his eyelids.  
>"You should go and see how Al's doing… Can you look after him for me?"<br>Roy nodded. Anything. He would do anything Ed could ever ask. It hadn't changed, not even when Ed had died.  
>"Good. I really have to go now… I'll be waiting for you, just remember that. We'll be together, I promise. Don't you dare to think that you'd get rid of me so easily…"<br>Roy felt soft lips on his own and suddenly he opened his eyes.

It was morning. The sun was shining outside and the hospital walls were as white as always.  
>He could still feel Ed's taste on his lips. Hear his words. <em>We'll be together, I promise<em>.  
>He would not give up, not yet. Ed was waiting for him, had been doing that for a while. Roy just had to wait too, he could do it. He could wait 100 years if that was needed. For Ed. And for himself too.<p>

Because he knew he had something worth waiting for. He would be together with Ed, with everyone he had lost. He would take care of Alphonse, making sure he was alright. This time, he wouldn't let Ed down.


End file.
